Monday, May 29, 2006

My top 5 football incidents.

Tonight I present to you - my top 5 favorite football moments in order. All true.

Number 5 - Carlton v Collinwood - Mid 90's.

My friend Ben and I were in the top level of the Ponsford Stand. Collingwood were beating us and anger in the pro-Carlton crowd was gathering momentum. On the bottom level the Collingwood cheer squad was in fine voice. A guy behind us (unannounced) took his aggression out on a poor unsuspecting orange and spectator. Pulp can really fly. That's right. He launched a full orange from the top deck to the lower deck. That baby sailed, boy did it sail - and it hit an old lady with white hair square in the head. We all panicked and then....laughed our asses off for the true beauty of this mans conquest lay in a slow reveal. Once the lady gathered her faculties back together and stood back up the entire top level could see a massive orange mark in her hair and burst out laughing. Ahh good times. Funniest home videos $50,000 right there.

Number 4 - Carlton v Adelaide 1992.

Luke O'Sullivan 4 goals. The Rhino. A close victory. Don't go on the ground before the second siren for fucks sake. But hey - we won by a couple of points. Ben and I waiting for that siren were convinced the whole crowd would invade the pitch. The siren went and I took off. Ben faked me and I soon realised I was the only person on the ground running towards the centre square besides the players. I was in better nick then but still not the fastest runner. Security bolted after me but I learnt something that day - fear makes you run quicker. I was flying. Until...a security guard took me down with a roundhouse punch to the jaw. I fell like a sack of shit. So much so that a couple of players who I can't remeber due to the concusion yelled at the security guy to leave me alone. Best day ever (from what I remember). My jaw still clicks occasionally when I eat solids but it was worth it.

Number 3 - Inside Football

Stephen "SOS" Silvangi occasionally got moved to the forward line in the mid 90's if we were getting an ass kicking. On one fine day he got moved to full forward against Hawthorn. He ended up kicking 8 goals that day. That's not what makes that day great - not what it's remembered for. It's remembered for the fact that when they took the photo of him after the game I got my head in the photo and it made the cover of "Inside Football". I was so excited - until I realised not all of my massive melon made it on the cover - only my hair - which in the mid 90's had some massive hair spray going on (I've since moved to gel). I didn't keep the cover shoot - Silvangi probably did - but I bet he still wonders - whose the guy with hair.

Number 2 - Yougurt Pre-Season Carlton v Melbourne

My friend Ben and I were such footyheads we use to attend pre-season matches at Carton. One fine Saturday we went along to watch Carlton v Melbourne. Times were tough then - it wasn't like today when you afford hotdogs for $8.50 a pop. We had to take our own lunch. I took 2 sandwiches and a yogurt that day. Come half time I launched into the sandwiches leaving my yogurt on the ground unopened. I rested my foot on top of it whilst I ate my sandwich. Ben the idiot seeing this put his foot on mine and squashed the yogurt under my foot. It launched out of it's container and covered the guy in front of us. He had so much yogurt on him you could actually make out individual chunks of rasberry. It looked like a german porno scene. He turned around, ready to kick the shit out of us, and we bolted. We missed half the game - small price to pay for the smiting.

Number 1 - Carlton v Fitzroy. My lowest ebb.

Carlton v Fitzroy (google them) mid early 90's. I had some old Fitzroy supporters right in front of me. They gave it to me all day and for every comment I made they had a witty retort. Towards the end of the game I lost control and punched a Fitzroy supporter in the mouth. I'd have enough of the constant tormenting and flipped my usually conservative lid!. Doesn't sound that bad?. It was a lady. But hey - the bitch asked for it.

Peace out.

Blind Faith.

JUDITH by A Perfect Circle
You're such an inspiration for the ways
That I'll never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways for me to show you
How the savior has abandoned you
Fuck your God
Your Lord and your Christ
He did this
Took all you had and
Left you this way
Still you pray, you never stray
Never taste of the fruit
You never thought to question why
It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side
Praise the one who left you
Broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you
He did it all for you
Oh so many many ways for me to show you
How your dogma has abandoned you
Pray to your Christ, to your god
Never taste of the fruit
Never stray, never break
Never---choke on a lie
Even though he's the one who did this to you
You never thought to question why
Not like you killed someone
It's Not like you drove a spiteful spear into his side
Talk to Jesus Christ As if he knows the reasons why
He did it all for you
Did it all for you
He did it all for you..

The lead singer's mother - Judith Marie Keenan - spent the last 27 years of her life in a wheelchair partially paralysed by a stroke. Instead of turning her back on god - the stroke only strengthened her belief in god. It's something her son couldn't comprehend. He saw her actions as blind faith and further questions her blind belief in a vengeful god. It's something I really relate too and continues to grow in significance.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Anthony as a baby.

My friend Anthony (last name withheld) is a breastman. Basically, he loves tits. Hey - who doesn't?. Here's some exclusive video footage of him as a youngster. Enjoy.


Thursday, May 25, 2006

Writer's block and Guns n' Roses?.

As I suffer a massive case of writer's block because I used all my good shit up in the first frenzied hours of creating this site I'm only able to provide some links today.

I find myself wondering - am I the only one who still gives a fuck about the new Guns n' Roses album that's been on the cards for the last 13 years. Talk about writers block.

Spin magazine circa 2001 said it best when they said what the world needs now is Axl Rose. So today I present him - in an acoustic show recorded a few days ago.

Now what did I do with my white spandex bikepants...



Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Look-a-like Snap Poll

Over the years my friend Danny Lewis has been compared to many A-Grade Celebrities in appearace. In Torquay one New Years Eve someone thought he was Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots/Velvet Revolver fame and asked him to belt out some lines to Plush. Danny, naturally a born entertainer, responded and made the young fans day.

Except from Plush:

Where ya going for tommorrow?
Where ya going with that mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?

On closer inspection I think he bears a resemblence to the slightly lesser A-Grade Seth Green from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

To finish the list some have compared to him to our own Boy From Oz - Hugh Jackman.

Tonight I put it to the test. Please cast your votes via e-mail and put my mind at rest - if "Oz" from Buffy - the half man and half werewolf had his own spin-off show would Danny have been able to pull off a secondary role as a stand-in?.

Here's Danny:

Option A) Hugh Jackman minus Wolferine Gear.

Option B) Seth Green (possibly high in this photo).

Option C) Scott Weiland - almost definetly high in this photo.

Let the votes roll in!.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Album Review - Pearl Jam

Well this isn't a review really. It's just to spread the word that if your in dire need for something to listen to - check out the new Pearl Jam album. I know everyone thinks they died in the 90's just like TAB and Pacman chips - but they didn't, they kick ass and it's their best album in ten years (I ripped that off Rolling Stone). So check it.

Who the hell are Amy and Emma Lewis?.

A lot of people are asking me this question. For this reason and this reason alone I now publish the never before seen first draft of the infamous 21st speech.

Paint the picture you say.

6-7 beers in.
A balcony.
A red-haired bearded father who may or may not own a gun, let alone many guns.
A sound man who was first year if that - hidden in a tent with egg shells for ears.

This speech changed on the night a bit - namely due to Danny having a laughing fit and me almost pissing my pants due to nerves (a little bit came out).

Check it.

Cue Bros

Danny: Hi everyone. Some quick introductions. My name is Cousin Danny.
Mark: And my name is Nudge.
Danny: We are here to share some thoughts on both Emma and Amy but also the extended Lewis family. I’d like to firstly say that I am still part of the will and I’d like to remain part of it so if the family could all go inside that would be great. We’d like to ask Phil Lewis to come up to the stage.

Cue Star Wars

Mark : Mark whispers in Danny’s ear

Danny: Oh it appears big hearted Phil Lewis couldn’t make it tonight. He’s currently on call with the Fire Brigade.

In that case I’d like to call Sharon Lewis to the stage.

Cue Footloose

Mark : Mark whispers in Danny’s ear

Danny: On it appears Sharon Lewis is at home tonight fearful of the potentially fatal SARS virus.

In that case it will just be us presenting.

Mark: We’ll start with the educational part of our speech which we’ve dubbed “Famous twins throughout history”. Amy and Emma hate the word twin so we’ve decided to use it as many times as we can throughout this speech. When you hear the word twin, you like us, would instantly think of the world’s most famous twins – the Olsen twins from TV’s Full house. Young Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are now moving head long into adolescence, similar to the Lewis girls. If the Lewis girls had only had a positive role model like John Stamos in their lives growing up who know’s where they’d be now. Of course there are many other famous twins who come to mind, namely the Barbie Twins of the 90’s who became famous for unusually large breasts, however we prefer to remember them for there winning personalities and smiles. Other twins who made a real impact in this world include Sherri and Terry from the Simpsons, The Blakely Twins from Neighbours and Liberace who was gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that, and our personal idol The King – Elvis Presley.

And now for a look back at the parenting job Janet and Steve Lewis have done over the last 21 years.

Danny: Of course if Janet and Steve had their choice of spouse’s Janet would currently be shacking up with Mark Brandon “Chopper” Reid and Steve would be with the red headed stranger Willie Nelson. And of course Amy and Emma would most likely prefer homosexual role models Morrisey and the Pet Shop Boys.

Cue Mash Music

Mark: Janet and Steve Lewis have done a wonderful job raising both Emma and Amy. However a look into the family history reveals that perhaps other parties also had a share in their development. Alan Alda from the TV show Mash couldn’t be here tonight unfortunately and neither could his look-alike. Alan played a pivotal role during the early years of the girl’s development. Some would say Alan’s greatest achievement was his portrayal of Hawkeye Pierce on the long running TV series where he was a surgeon temporarily missassigned to the Korean War, others would say it’s his work on the Equal Rights Amendment Committee. Alan in real live is a dedicated feminist, something Danny and I both agree with strongly girls.

Cue Golden Girls Music

Danny: Other guests who couldn’t make it tonight include Bea Arthur, Betty White, Rue McClanahan and Estelle Getty. These ladies and their TV show “The Golden Girls” played a major role in the girl’s development. Bea helped give the girls their feisty attitude, Betty gave the girls their naivety and charm and Estelle and Rue gave the girls a healthy dose of their sexual education, which had been lacking up to that point.

Let us charge our glasses now to Alan Alder, Bea, Betty, Rue and Estelle. May their role as entertainers and educators alike live on and inspire a whole new generation of twins.

And now we come to the most controversial part of our speech. The girl’s boyfriend history.

Mark: Mark approaches Danny and whispers in his ear

Danny: Oh it appears that this part has been censored by Steve Lewis on account of he’ll kill us. Instead we’ll just have to play the music and conjure up mental images.

Cue Bloodhound Gang

Mark: As a relative new comer in the lives of these girls it’s been great to see them develop into the people they are today. It’s not often you meet people and know from day one that you are going to be live long friends with them, but that’s what Amy and Emma mean to me. Some of my favorite memories of Emma include the first time Emma and I were allowed to play Playstation together, for the record she beat me hands down even at that early stage and of course there’s the time I saw her throw up off the balcony up there (although to this day she denies it). Ahh the memories. In the case of these two girls it’s exhilarating being around two people who are so alive. Congratulations girls on your 21st birthday, we both look forward to celebrating many more with you.

Cue Kermit

A-Lew goes live!.

Check out Amy Lewis' site on the right link as well. Joe Public - we are taking over the internet, next stop the world.

Civil War

Another day - another new blog site - my associate Stuart Joggi has created one, see the link on the right. This site is primarily designed to allow us to publish photo's of our fellow workmates in comprimising positions in order to allow us to climb the corporate ladder. Bring on the pain!.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Do you recognise this Mr. Arsonist?.

On the 10/10/2005 my bin was tragically set ablaze. The arsonist is still on the loose. If you have any information please let me know. You could be next. "Ed the Jockey" was seen in the area at about the same time and is known to have thought the incident was quote "fucking funny" end quote. As a community we need to speak up. Do you know how long it took Doug Prentice to clean this shit up?.

What did Elvis and Bob Marley look like at the time of their deaths?.

Two tragic deaths.

Top 20 movies of all time.

Here's a thread for discussion to kick things off:

Top 20 movies of all time (in order). Here's mine - feel free to be critical Sharon Lewis (like I needed to tell you that).

The Crow
Pulp Fiction
Return of the Jedi
Nightmare on Elm St.
Batman Begins
Carlito’s Way
American Psycho
Reservoir Dogs
Rambo: First Blood Part 2

The Carlton Loss - still hurting...

Still recovering from the Carlton loss yesterday. I see that a group is lobbying to sack Dennis Pagan - check out http://www.sackpagan.com. I'm not saying I support that - but what happened to the good times. What happened to the blue birds dancing in 13 degrees at Optus Oval with nipples that could cut butter?. What happened to me getting on the cover of "Inside Football" behind Stephen Silvangi like the good old days. Sigh.

Emma Lewis - the revenge post.

In case anyone hasn't seen it - head over to Emma's page via the links on the right and see her Hey Dad related content. She's always thinking two steps ahead. I don't remeber much about that time in my life - Julie McGregor and I use to do a lot of "Charlie" in the dressing room before the show. Enjoy (at my expense).

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Emma Lewis - my muse.

Hi all,

Welcome to my first post. This wave of unexpected computer use has all come about because of E-Lew's Blogsite which is brilliant (say it like Ricky Gervais). That being the case - here is my tribute - a photo to last the age's...

That's all for now.

I barrack for Carlton - shoot me.
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