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Monday, May 29, 2006

My top 5 football incidents.

Tonight I present to you - my top 5 favorite football moments in order. All true.

Number 5 - Carlton v Collinwood - Mid 90's.

My friend Ben and I were in the top level of the Ponsford Stand. Collingwood were beating us and anger in the pro-Carlton crowd was gathering momentum. On the bottom level the Collingwood cheer squad was in fine voice. A guy behind us (unannounced) took his aggression out on a poor unsuspecting orange and spectator. Pulp can really fly. That's right. He launched a full orange from the top deck to the lower deck. That baby sailed, boy did it sail - and it hit an old lady with white hair square in the head. We all panicked and then....laughed our asses off for the true beauty of this mans conquest lay in a slow reveal. Once the lady gathered her faculties back together and stood back up the entire top level could see a massive orange mark in her hair and burst out laughing. Ahh good times. Funniest home videos $50,000 right there.

Number 4 - Carlton v Adelaide 1992.

Luke O'Sullivan 4 goals. The Rhino. A close victory. Don't go on the ground before the second siren for fucks sake. But hey - we won by a couple of points. Ben and I waiting for that siren were convinced the whole crowd would invade the pitch. The siren went and I took off. Ben faked me and I soon realised I was the only person on the ground running towards the centre square besides the players. I was in better nick then but still not the fastest runner. Security bolted after me but I learnt something that day - fear makes you run quicker. I was flying. Until...a security guard took me down with a roundhouse punch to the jaw. I fell like a sack of shit. So much so that a couple of players who I can't remeber due to the concusion yelled at the security guy to leave me alone. Best day ever (from what I remember). My jaw still clicks occasionally when I eat solids but it was worth it.

Number 3 - Inside Football

Stephen "SOS" Silvangi occasionally got moved to the forward line in the mid 90's if we were getting an ass kicking. On one fine day he got moved to full forward against Hawthorn. He ended up kicking 8 goals that day. That's not what makes that day great - not what it's remembered for. It's remembered for the fact that when they took the photo of him after the game I got my head in the photo and it made the cover of "Inside Football". I was so excited - until I realised not all of my massive melon made it on the cover - only my hair - which in the mid 90's had some massive hair spray going on (I've since moved to gel). I didn't keep the cover shoot - Silvangi probably did - but I bet he still wonders - whose the guy with hair.

Number 2 - Yougurt Pre-Season Carlton v Melbourne

My friend Ben and I were such footyheads we use to attend pre-season matches at Carton. One fine Saturday we went along to watch Carlton v Melbourne. Times were tough then - it wasn't like today when you afford hotdogs for $8.50 a pop. We had to take our own lunch. I took 2 sandwiches and a yogurt that day. Come half time I launched into the sandwiches leaving my yogurt on the ground unopened. I rested my foot on top of it whilst I ate my sandwich. Ben the idiot seeing this put his foot on mine and squashed the yogurt under my foot. It launched out of it's container and covered the guy in front of us. He had so much yogurt on him you could actually make out individual chunks of rasberry. It looked like a german porno scene. He turned around, ready to kick the shit out of us, and we bolted. We missed half the game - small price to pay for the smiting.

Number 1 - Carlton v Fitzroy. My lowest ebb.

Carlton v Fitzroy (google them) mid early 90's. I had some old Fitzroy supporters right in front of me. They gave it to me all day and for every comment I made they had a witty retort. Towards the end of the game I lost control and punched a Fitzroy supporter in the mouth. I'd have enough of the constant tormenting and flipped my usually conservative lid!. Doesn't sound that bad?. It was a lady. But hey - the bitch asked for it.

Peace out.

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